'Tis the Season...To Employ Some Boundaries
Written by CTRR Practitioner Nicole Clifton
To learn more about working with Nicole, click here.
‘Tis the season…Sometimes it’s a time full of joy, nostalgia, tradition, and fun. However, the holidays can also bring stress, expectations, challenging emotions, and complex family dynamics. If you’re someone who is deconstructing—or has deconstructed—and is still in contact with religious loved ones, this time of year often increases the chances of conversations about your worldview that feel anxiety-inducing. It could be anything from questions about your “walk with the Lord” or where you’re going to church, to inquiries about your dating life, political opinions, current events, and more.
So if someone is trying to talk to you about things you’d rather not talk about, a short and sweet way to set a boundary and help pivot the conversation could sound something like this:
“You know, that feels like a more in-depth or heavier conversation, and I’d rather keep things light right now so we can focus on connecting and making fun holiday memories. Thanks for understanding!”
You can certainly use this with someone in your family of origin, but it also could be helpful for extended family or old acquaintances. However, sometimes a religious loved one may try to bring up something that feels really heavy—maybe it’s something you’ve been considering discussing with them, but the moment doesn’t feel right (and it definitely still feels vulnerable because you’re not sure if they’re truly ready to have that conversation, even if they’re bringing it up).
If that’s the case and if you feel like you’d like to give a little more context or are potentially open to having that conversation at a later time, you could offer that first statement and then add something like this:
“If you’d like to circle back to that at a different time and place, I’d like to be able to set some ground rules before we have that conversation. I have a feeling the conversation could be emotionally charged for both of us, since we probably have different perspectives on that topic. You’re also welcome to take some time to think about it to bring your own thoughts and needs to the table, so we can see if we can find a compromise that works for us both before diving in.
If you’d like to ask me about ____________ , my hope is that your motivation would come from a place of wanting to know me more, understand me better, and love me regardless of my answer.
The truth is, we have different opinions on things we may have previously agreed on. I’ve avoided those conversations out of respect for you and to protect my own heart—I don’t want to debate or fight with you, and this feels like it could be a potentially contentious topic. If you want to know more, I don’t want to debate. I want to be able to share my experiences and feelings without having to defend or justify them.
Please know that while I’m not intending to attack what you believe or value, I know that simply presenting a different opinion or sharing a negative experience might naturally trigger a defensive reaction. I recognize that could happen here. If that dynamic pops up, that could make truly hearing each other more challenging.
I want to know if you can hold the Both/And—my thoughts and experiences as well as your own—about __________ before I choose to share more on that topic. If you don’t feel like you can right now, that’s okay! It just lets us both know we’re probably not ready to have that conversation right now. It’s okay if that feels weird, hard, or sad—I’ve felt that too.
Acknowledging these feelings doesn’t mean something is wrong; it’s simply naming what’s true for us in this moment. That could change if either or both of us are in a different space in the future, and I hope it does. But for now—let’s just do our best and give each other permission to be where we are. I know we may not have always done it this way, but I truly believe this is what’s best right now, and it would mean a lot to me if you’d be willing to respect that.”
Clearly, everyone has ways of approaching tough conversations and communicating in a way that feels authentic to them personally. Everyone knows their unique circumstances and family dynamics that require adjustments to the boundaries they set and how they express them.
Some religious loved ones have the capacity to hold that longer conversation and make the effort, and some do not. Sometimes people don’t want to understand, or don’t have the capacity to understand, and it is more than alright to protect your peace.
Over-explaining to those who can’t understand you—or who are committed to misunderstanding you—is a drain on your energy that you don’t need to give. Their urgency for “resolution” (when you know it won’t go the way they hope) doesn’t have to become urgent or consuming for you. You can trust yourself—that is one of the best gifts you can give yourself this holiday season.
Nicole Clifton, MA is a practitioner at CTRR. She supports individuals navigating faith deconstruction, healing from purity culture, LGBTQIA+, religious trauma and adverse religious experiences, life transitions, boundaries work, identity, chronic illness/ableism, and body image.
Instagram: @nicoleclifton_inyourcorner
Facebook: Nicole Clifton
To learn more about working with Nicole, click here.
