“Should Free” Living

There are many layers to religious trauma, and sometimes they start in the smallest places. 

One of those layers for me was beginning to evaluate how much of my life was lived from should. There were so many areas where I felt obligated to be someone because of how my faith determined I was supposed to live my life. I became exhausted from all the pretending I was doing because I wanted so badly to be good and to be seen as good.

So, I started by simply observing my life for about a week–often a month is enough time to get a clearer picture of how you’re living but you can choose any length of time. After that month of observing I estimated what percentage of my life was lived from should. 

In the beginning, I think about 93% of my life was for other people. I'm sure you can imagine how exhausting it is when only 7% of your life is made up of things you've chosen for yourself!

Because of these observations, I realized I had to start saying no.

But how? And to what? I didn't even know where to start.

When I thought about how I wanted to be experienced by the people who knew me, I had a beautiful idea: I wanted my friends to know that if I was present, it was because I genuinely wanted to be there and was excited to be there. The hard part was learning to say no when I didn't want to go somewhere or when I wasn't excited to participate.

Then I realized that many times I said yes because I was caught off guard. 

Sometimes I was asked in ways that made it difficult to say no, or I was asked repeatedly because people wouldn't respect my first no. To help with those situations, I came up with a handful of phrases that were easy to remember and repeat. They made saying no just a little easier.

Here are a few options to inspire a list that feels and sounds like you:

• No, thank you. I have other plans. (My plans were to be at home resting. Alone.)

• Oh! That sounds like so much fun, but I won't be able to make it.

• Thank you so much for including me. This time won't work, but please keep me on the list to ask.

• That sounds like a great opportunity. Unfortunately, I won't be able to contribute at this time.

• Dang it! I hate that I have to miss this one. Can we do it again another time?

• Boundary Bonus: Once these phrases started to feel like home, I practiced not offering a reason for why I was saying no and simply repeating the phrase. Allowing my “no” to be enough was so hard.

I knew how I wanted to feel. I was armed and ready with my phrases. My journey of saying no was beginning.

It was hard and scary at first. I thought my life would end if I said no. I thought no one would want to be my friend anymore.

But something unexpected happened.

I started getting excited about the things I was doing. The people I was spending time with filled my life with so much love. It took time, but eventually my life became full of people and experiences that made me excited to be present every day.

There is a catch, though. (Did you think it sounded too good to be true?)

There are some shoulds we may never get rid of. We are responsible for paying bills, keeping our homes reasonably clean, maintaining friendships, and giving back to our communities. This is the kind of should that helps facilitate a wide and varied life. It's part of being good neighbors, good citizens, and contributing to the places where we live.

This kind of should will always be present, and I've guesstimated that it takes up about 15% of life. It's kind of like the cost of running a good life. Grocery trips, picking up the mail, taking care of responsibilities, being a good neighbor—these are the hallmarks of a smoothly running life.

Outside of those things, though, our lives can be full of beauty and connection.

I went from living at 93% should or obligation to sitting at about 45% should or obligation. That's actually a little higher than normal right now because I've been in school and focusing on making some significant changes.

I still keep an eye on my should percentage because it helps me determine when I need to make adjustments. Whenever it starts creeping too high, I know it's time to reevaluate. I have never returned to 93% obligation, and it's my goal to keep my life below a 50% average.

I feel better in my body. I feel better in my relationships. Most importantly, this practice helps guide me toward the things that fulfill me and bring me joy - which, in turn, allows me to bring more of myself to the people around me.

If you're considering starting this practice, remember to be kind to yourself. Find "no" phrases that genuinely feel and sound like you.

You've got this.