If you’ve been on a deconstruction and/or healing journey for a while, you’re likely familiar with the ups and downs that come with the process.
It seems like life is feeling particularly heavy again for many folks–especially for those of us who have religious trauma and have experienced high-control religion. Whether it’s the micro scale of your particular life, the macro scale of our country/the world at large, or both, many have felt their survival mode resurfacing.
Even though we’ve likely heard the phrase “healing isn’t linear,” it can still feel disheartening to feel like we’re back to a place of reduced capacity AGAIN.
And while certainly there are some things that feel unprecedented, there are also some important things to remember regarding the patterns of life and how we engage with them. It’s normal for our capacities to shift – season by season, week to week, day by day, and sometimes even hour to hour.
So, in this season – fall – it is okay to let some things fall away. It is okay to release things. They may come back in another season, and it’s also okay if they don’t. It is normal to fluctuate in our existence – that balance is not one singular, fixed point to stay in, but a whole range of space where we have room to move & adapt.
Sometimes we put unnecessary pressure on ourselves when we’ve been in it for so long that we “should” be “less affected” by all this now. We fall into that old trap of all-or-nothing thinking, that false dichotomy - that there is “healed” and “unhealed”, that “healed” is a place we arrive and get to stay forever. That "healed" means not getting dysregulated or struggling with daily life. That we graduate from the emotional reality of being a human in a chaotic world.
The thing is: you’re always going to be a human and life will always have hard things. It makes sense to be dysregulated around so much chaos, harm, and violence in our world. It actually makes sense that you’re now or still so deeply impacted by injustice in this culture we find ourselves in.
So yes - you’re allowed to fluctuate in your capacity. You’re allowed to scale your life back. You’re allowed to look ahead to the holiday season and decide you need something different, even if you felt like you did more last year. You’re allowed to be more particular about who you make plans with, or how often you make plans. You’re allowed to put limits on your news & social media intake; you’re allowed to evaluate what actually keeps you informed & moves you towards practical action that’s in your control vs. just doom-scrolling that fills you with overwhelm.
You’re allowed to go back to the basics of your own coping skills and self-care. The truth is we all return to survival mode at some point, no matter how much coaching or therapy we’ve had. You’re allowed to stop looking for that one piece of profound wisdom that will alleviate all your existential dread. You’re allowed to not know the answers. You’re allowed to take one day at a time. It’s alright out what actually feels sustainable for you in the foreseeable future instead of what you wished you had time/energy/resources for. You’re allowed to grieve and rage against what has happened. You are also allowed to pursue relief. Both/And.
You don’t need my specific permission, certainly. But sometimes we just need a reminder from another human who has walked a similar road, who is still too hard on themselves sometimes and holds themselves to unreasonable expectations – you have permission to craft your life into what you want it to be. While some parts may be out of your control, it is okay to re-examine what is in your control and make choices that reflect what you need in this season. You can trust yourself to know what you need.
Nicole Clifton, MA is a practitioner at CTRR. She supports individuals navigating faith deconstruction, healing from purity culture, LGBTQIA+, religious trauma and adverse religious experiences, life transitions, boundaries work, identity, chronic illness/ableism, and body image.
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To learn more about working with Nicole, click here.
